S.M. West's Blog

Sometimes I do really stupid things. Right now the cause of my stupidity is based on biology. Hormones are racing around my brain with the biological imperative that I must have sex. It can also be known as thinking with your penis. Humans being social creatures have the urge to be around other humans. But my current existence within the cold world of the internet is not satisfying that need. There is another side of myself. A Hyde to my usual Jekyll.

What do I even know about sex. I can't even say its the greatest thing in the world. Being a virgin severely limits intimate knowledge of intercourse. But sometimes Mr. Hyde takes control, and I find myself on the seedy part of the internet. Hyde used to get his fix on porn and stroking the pant snake. But now like all good addicts, that fix is no longer satisfying. Off he goes, signing up to dating sights under an altered name, after all whats the point of having a hidden side if its out there to be found. But that didn't work as the distorted mind of Mr. Hyde would like.

So off to perhaps the worst place to be. Yes, Mr Hyde being a horny homosexual has been browsing the men seeking men section of Craigslist. Searching posts for a young hot guy to make some forbidden experimentations with. Posting a headless mirror selfie elicited some responses. But all from old men who even Hyde doesn't want touching his ass.

Jekyll so far has been a reluctant participant. He even is taking some schadenfreude with the poor desperate people posting pics of their fat sad asses. But in his arrogance, he can't see whats happening right underneath his nose.

Hyde meanwhile has made contact with some potential persons. One was a cute young guy, but he stopped e-mailing after a while. Another was a couple who wanted a three way. This sounded great, two for the price of one. The third is still promising. But the fourth may be his undoing. A dark curly haired, blue eyed hot piece of man meat. Once before had he seen him on one of those websites, but the message didn't go well. So now, ohh yes, now this is the time he thought. The dude e-mailed back and asked for pics. Those weren't good enough, he showed his face, now lets see yours. So off they go with a deprecating input from Jekyll. This led to the response that if one doesn't put effort into the photos he sends, then how will he be good in bed.

Hyde being a righteous bastard (in his derangement), took offense to this retort. He fired back a carefully worded response that he can also interpenetrate meanings from e-mails. This to him this said that you are a arrogant cunt who does not even deserve the time of day.

Now Jekyll has decided to stop this madness. Once again its too little too late. The damage has been done. The pics are out there, although they are nothing to be ashamed of. Jekyll has disabled all the profiles, and removed all pics. He has deleted most all e-mails, and has taken the porn links out of the bookmarks. Still not being able to control Hyde, the profiles are not totally deleted. And the e-mails of the third and the two are still in the fake e-mail. And the links are in a self e-mail.

The main worry now is what will be done to those pics. They don't show anything but the face. But in Jekyll's paranoia, they will now be spread all over the internet, ruining his reputation. The likelihood of that is remote. Especially is he doesn't get pissed off.

This little story may make me sound crazy. And maybe I am for personifying the conflicting views in my head. But the last few weeks has taught me that I am still a naive little boy, trapped in a proto-adult body. I am not as clever or intelligent that I think I am. Perhaps I think that because I cannot control my own animal urges. And I know that one day the battle of Jekyll and Hyde will come to an end. What is worrisome, is who will win?

Oh yeah that's right... I have a blog. Not that I ever use this thing. I find it fascinating that with internet that ones ideas and creations can be placed on a vast network or 1's and 0's, and can be sent to anyone in the world who has access to the Internet. But I have very few ideas that are worth sharing.

My life consists mostly of working on the family farm, and looking for a job. I have just completed an AA degree, but what use is that. I have no special skill, nor marketable qualities. People have told me that its all about 'networking' to find what you want. This is great and all, but what I want is a good job, but most of the people I know are unemployed. So my network sucks. And I feel awkward that I have to ask for help. Its not something that I have ever been comfortable with. All through school I was able to figure most anything out. But school is very different from life, and right now I'm failing.

Life is full of so may amazing possibilities. But how to find those possibilities, I do not know. Perhaps that's part of life's adventure. Discovering the mystery of whats behind the next metaphorical door, and seeing what possibility lies on the other side. I guess what needs to be done is to walk up to one of those doors and open it, instead of being overwhelmed by all the doors. Just choose one. What have I got to loose. I'm so afraid of failure, that I don't want to try. But if I don't try, then I have failed anyway.